More Canadian Humour

 

Have a humorous story or jokes? We are always in need of funny stories that are true.

 

Editor

J. Klemchuk

 

Email:

editor@canadianinsight.com

 

Canadian Insight

Copyright  © 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009 Canadian Insight

Request for famous Ukrainian sausage

 

A man driving through Vegreville, Alberta  decides to go into a store and ask for a renown ethnic delicacy, "I'd like some of your famous Ukrainian sausage."

 

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Ukrainian?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, no, but let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you, huh? "

 

The clerk says, "Well, no."

 

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

 

 The clerk says, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

 

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Ukrainian just because I ask for Ukrainian sausage?"

 

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Hardware."

 

Watch what you say

 

It was entertainment night at the Kamloops Senior Center. There was an added aurora of excitement for the night.

Claude, the hypnotism, was asked to do a special performance. He introduced himself and began his show by saying, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

 

A very stinky mess followed the hypnotist's accidental orders! It took three days for the staff to clean up the Senior Center!

 

Bring me a wedge

 

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

 

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

 

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

 

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

 

Only in Saskatchewan

 

An old farmer from Saskatchewan passed away and was accidentally sent to Hell. Upon his arrival Satan immediately began to harass the poor man. "Hot enough for you" Satan asked?

 

The farmer says, "Actually, it kinda reminds me of Cadillac, Saskatchewan when I used to do my seeding in May; feels kinda good; feels kinda nice".

 

Satan can't believe it, here's this farmer in the middle of Hell enjoying himself! Satan runs upstairs to Hell's master control room and cranks up the heat. He finds the farmer and asks him, "How do you like that"?

 

The farmer replies "kinda reminds me of harvesting in my open-air cab of the combine, feels kinda good feels kinda nice".

 

Satan is beside himself, he runs back upstairs to the master control room and turns the heat off and soon there is snow flying everywhere, the molten lava is solid rock and there are huge snowdrifts everywhere. Satan looks down from his window; sure this would get to the farmer but instead he sees the farmer doing a little jig in the middle of a snowdrift.

 

Satan runs downstairs and says "What the hell are you so happy about?"

 

The farmer says "The Riders won the Grey Cup, the Riders won the Grey Cup!"

 

Chretien's Legacy

 

 A big city American lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Los Angeles  and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with  Canada’s “ Three Kick Rule. Honorable Jean Chretien left this as his legacy"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is Chretien's  Three Kick Rule?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by legislated law.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and slowly walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

 

A real Saskatchewan girl

 

A girl from Saskatchewan and a girl from Ontario were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Saskatchewan, being friendly and all, said, "So, where you from?"

 

The Ontario girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

 

The girl from Saskatchewan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,... "So, where you from, bitch?"

 

 

Those tight skirts

 

A young beautiful woman dressed in a very tight skirt waited for a bus in Saskatoon. Upon arrival she attempted to walk up the bus steps but her tight skirt prevented her from making the first step. Quick thinking made her reach back to unzip the lower half of her skirt.

 

As the bus driver looked down she failed in a series of attempts to make the steps. Again she’d reach back to pull the zipper higher on her skirt.

 

She was shocked when a man behind her grabbed her and hoisted her up into the bus. With surprise on her face she responded to the good Samaritan, “Why did you do that? I could have made it up alone!”

 

The gentleman replied, “With your three attempts to undue my zipper, I thought that was enough!”

 

Top this one

 

Three Regina engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

 

First engineer said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

 

Second engineer said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

 

Third engineer said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

 

Actual Experience

 

A newly immigrated church minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for an elderly man without any friends or known relatives. The deceased man requested in his will to be buried in a particular country cemetery. It was just recently opened. The deceased man was to be the first to be buried there.

 

The young minister was new to the area and though he knew how to follow directions well. He was a proud man and would not ask for further directions or a verification once there.

 

He arrived at a location only to find a backhoe waiting beside an excavation and the workers were having lunch. He immediately went to the site and viewed the fiberglass box and assumed that the casket was inside. The bright sunlight made it difficult to see down the freshly excavated hole.

 

Without asking any questions he greeted the workers and immediately proceeded into a service. The workers gathered around as he proceeded with the service. The clergy pored his heart out for over an hour to the soul of the deceased man.

 

As he completed the service and proceed to his car one worker exclaimed to the other, “Well I thought I have seen everything. I have been in the plumbing business for well over forty years. Never have I seen a clergy perform a burial sermon for a septic tank!” 

 

Quick of wit

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. One day, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Sheriff Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

 

Good choice

 

Two Calgary engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

 

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit you.”

 

An unusual discovery

 

A Montreal medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

 

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again ...Just can't wait to get on the road again ...”

 

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

 

“Look at this. This is really something,” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

“On the road again ... Just can't wait to get on the road again ...”

 

“So,  what?”  the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

 

“But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?” asked the student.

 

“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”

 

Second opinion becomes costly

 

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

 

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

 

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  So, the vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

 

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

 

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

 

Teacher knows best

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

Misguided

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

 

Bad News Bearer

 

Three Albertans were working up on a cell phone tower in Brooks, Alberta, Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

 

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

 

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

 

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

 

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 

As all of you may already know, “Albertans are good at accepting sensitive stuff!”

 

Just an old cowboy

 

An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a Calgary bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am."

 

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

 

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

 

Other considerations do matter

 

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.

 

The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is much impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns a great deal of money.  The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. After lengthy thought he proceeds to marry the woman with the biggest boobs.

 

 

 

 

Conservation Officer gets outwitted

 

A camper was stopped by a Conservation Officer at Good Spirit Lake, Saskatchewan .The man was returning to his campsite with a bucketful of still-alive fish.

 

“Do you have a license to catch those fish,” the CO asked.

 

“No sir, don’t need one, these are my pet fish,” the man replied.

 

“Pet fish?” the officer asked.

 

“Yes, sir every night I take these fish down to the lake where I’m camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the camp.”

 

“That’s a bunch of bologna,” the game warden said, and  he reached for his pad of citations.

 

The man looked at the conservation officer for a moment and then said, “ If you don’t believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works.”

 

Still suspicious but curious, the officer agreed. Both walked quietly to the lake. The camper poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water.

 

“Okay,” said the game warden. “Call them back.”

 

“Call who back?” the camper exclaimed.

 

“The fish,” relied the officer

 

“What fish? Asked the camper.

 

Stay off the exercise bike

 

My neighbor, Sandra, had a rather embarrassing experience in an attempt to save her favorite Persian cat from going completely deaf. She took her pet to the local veterinarian where he did a thorough examination.

 

The vet reached a conclusion that the cat’s hearing was superficial and was only affected by its heavy growth of hair in its ears. The vet then recommended that my neighbor go to the drug store and ask for some hair remover lotion to remove all the inner hair inside the cat’s ears.

 

Sandra walked up to her local pharmacist and asked for some hair remover lotion. Before Sandra was able to explain, the lady behind counter responded by offering several lotions pertaining to specific removal of hair from various regions of the body.

 

The pharmacist stated that she liked several specific brands depending on body hair location. “If you use this one on your underarms I recommend that you refrain from using underarm deodorant for at least three days.”

 

My neighbor responded that she wasn’t intending to use it on her underarms but on her ...”.

 

The lady pharmacist quickly interjected, “ If you are to use this one on your legs, stay away from bright sunlight for the next week as you may get severe sunburn.”

 

Sandra again tried to explain, “I will not be using it on my legs; but do intend to use it on my Persian....”

 

Instantly, the lady pharmacist interjected once again and advised my neighbor, “ I’d recommend that you stay off the exercise bike for at least one week if you are to use any of these hair removing products on your sensitive parts your body!’

 

Just revenge

 

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback was sitting at a corner when a kid on a shiny new bike rides up next to him. The cop says "nice bike son, did Santa bring that to you?'

Kid says "yeah."

 

"Well next year tell Santa to put a tail light on the back of that bike, " and he proceeds to give the kid a $20 bicycle violation ticket.

 

The kid took the ticket but before he rode off, he said, "By the way that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, sure did"

 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ‘A’ hole on the back of the horse, instead of on top of it."

 

Competitive friends

 

Ryan and Kevin grew up together and were always competitive friends. They both worked on the oil rigs and became very successful rough necks. On their days off they’d meet at the Black Bear Inn, or at Charlie’s Place and have a few beers. They would boast about their accomplishments and tell a few stories.

 

Kevin stayed on his days off with his parents in the neighboring town of Preeceville. Ryan stayed with his dad in Sturgis.

 

One day while sipping on a beer at one of the bars, Kevin boasted to Ryan that he has been formally invited to become a Lions Club member with the Preeceville club. Not to be outdone, the next time they meet at the bar, Ryan boasted that he had become a Sturgis Kinsmen member.

 

Both young men had more than their share of beers one night. Their talk turned to girls and erotica. A bit drunk, Kevin stammered, “Did you know that a fully matured Lion can have sexual intercourse 17 to 19 times in 24 hours?”

 

Red with envy, Ryan blurts out, “Fine time to tell me all this, after I have already joined the Kinsmen!” 

 

Grandma doesn’t know it all

 

Little Tony was nine years old and staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside with other kids when he came in and asked his grandmother, “What’s it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

Grandma was taken back by little Tony’s question but decided to tell him the truth, “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

 

Little Tony said, “Oh, ok.” Then he ran out to play with his little friends. Moments later he came back and angrily said, “Grandma, it’s not sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. Jimmy’s mom said she wants to have a talk with you!”

 

Memorable Birthday

 

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well. Waking up on that morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

 

I thought…. Well, that marriage is for you, but the kids…. they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

 

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday. S0 what do you say if we go out to lunch; just you and me.'

 

I said, 'Thanks, Jane. That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro

with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

 

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day…. We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'

 

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

 

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

 

‘0K,’ I said.

 

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment…. I'll be right back.'

 

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

 

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…. followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers.

 

They all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there….on the couch…. naked!

 

Bran Muffins

 

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

 

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

 

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

 

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

 

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

 

“Don't even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?”he asked.

 

“That's the best part.”St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

 

The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”

 

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

 

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...”

 

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

 

Watch who you ticket

 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the Limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

 

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.”

 

“I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!  And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver.  But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens. “Oh, dear God,  I'm gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

 

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

 

“I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,” said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!’

 

‘No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, “Who have you got there, the Mayor?”

 

Cop: “Bigger.”

 

Chief: “Governor?”

 

Cop: “Bigger.”

 

Chief: “President?”

 

Cop: “Bigger.”

 

“Well,” said the Chief, ‘who is it?”

Cop: “'I think it's God!”

 

Chief: “What makes you think it's God?”

 

Cop: “He's got the  Pope as a chauffeur!”

 

How to call the Police if all else fails

 

George Phillips of Calgary, Alberta, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.   

 

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

 

The voice on the line said, “No.”  Then they said, “All patrols were busy.  You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

 

George said, “Okay.”  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. 

 

Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” he said and hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 

 

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”

 

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

Designated! What?

 

Recently, during a routine patrol, a RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a war veterans’  bar just off the main Street in Estevan, Saskatchewan.

 

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the bar. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

 

A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

 

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

 

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a Breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all.

 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

 

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Saskatchewanian, “Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

 

Par Excellence

 

A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

 

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan ..'

 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?

 

The kid says 'one'.

 

The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

 

The kid says, “ $101,237.65.”

 

The boss says, “'$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

 

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

 

The boss says, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

 

The kid says, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.

 

One short leg

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street  with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop  pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously  drunk."

 

Our wasted friend asks, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino says, "Thank goodness, I  thought I was a cripple."